Dreamlike Calamities: art trade with Cassie's-First-Step.


"What is this place?"  

That was all that flashed through Ezio's head as he looked around the strange garden that stretched out in front of him. The place was huge, and small tables and pillows were scattered everywhere. The garden seemed to consist of a few levels, each covered with a thick layer of lush grass and several marble pillars stood at the sides like silent white giants, as the sight consisted of nothing but endless hills and valleys.

It looked completely different from the gardens he had seen in his hometown of Florence or even Venice or Rome. Gardens there were very well-maintained and sterile, but this one had a sort of savage beauty about it. It looked much like the Arabian gardens he had seen on illustrations. It was strange, very strange.

Yet Ezio did not think about this for long, for soon his eyes were drawn towards the many entities that walked around in it. Beautiful, dark-skinned women, wearing revealing outlandish clothing that hugged their shapes perfectly. All the Assassin could do was stare at them in wonder. He had never seen women wear clothes like that, not even courtesans, but he was not about to complain.

Following his instinct, he walked up to them. He had never been shy around women and he was certainly interested in getting acquainted with these foreign beauties. Thus, quietly memorizing all exaggerated pick-up lines he had acquired throughout the years, he approached them.

Making use of his remarkable talent to pick out the finest looking, or the one with the skimpiest clothes, within seconds, he confidently strutted towards her, tapping her on the shoulder so she turned around to face him. He immediately threw his most straightforward sign of interest in her face.

"Ciao. That's a nice dress, can I talk you out of it?"

He did not have to wait long for a response, as a fist suddenly went at his face, hitting him square on the eye. The woman then huffed at him, snapping some words in a strange, exotic language he didn't understand.

Ezio let out an irate growl as he rubbed his now painful eye. Muttering some indecent words about the female who had just snubbed him in the most embarrassing of ways, he turned around to the other women to try his luck elsewhere. Showing his best seductive smirk, he went to another nearby girl, resorting to another line of seduction.

"You know what would look good on you? Me."

Having learned from his last encounter, he was already tensed, ready to bring up his arms should this girl also take a swing at either his face or his vital organs. Yet as he uttered the line and held his hands up in defense, he soon realized he was protecting the wrong organ, as the girl dealt a well-aimed kick to his so-called happy place.

Letting out a very manly squeak of injustice, Ezio sunk onto the patio, clutching the affected area and desperately hoping he would still be able to father another Auditore in the future. He groaned in agony, the sound coming out in a pitch that would make a boy soprano jealous.

Yet as he lay there, still feeling incredibly sorry for himself, he suddenly sensed a tall shape standing over him. A low chuckle, followed by a low voice with a thick accent entered his ears.

"Stop being lazy, novice. It is time to train."

Still recovering from the immense blow to his manhood and ego, Ezio looked up to see who spoke to him. It was a man that appeared slightly older than he was. The clothes he wore were somewhat similar to his, but not quite. They seemed simpler, less elaborate in design. A device similar to his own hidden blade was at his left hand, but upon closer inspection, this man seemed to miss a finger. A hood with a strange tip at the front cast the man's face in the shadows, but as the nobleman stared closer, it looked stunningly alike his own…

His eyes widened, as he suddenly figured out who the person was. "What the… Altaïr?"

He did not get the time to finish that sentence, as a strong arm yanked him up. "I said, it's time to train. Come now!"

Once again, Ezio tried his best to protest, but for some reason, he found he couldn't. So he simply followed the figure, who let him out right out of the garden, but not before giving a devious smirk to the women in it.

"It was a pleasure seeing you again, my ladies."

A few sighs and faints were heard and instantly, Ezio decided he utterly despised the man. Still, he did not get any chance to snap at him, as the other male grabbed his collar and pulled him to the exit of the strange place.

A strange light blinded his eyes and all of a sudden, the young man found himself in the middle of a large, lively city. Acre, he guessed, judging that it was much like a description he'd once read about the Israeli port city.

His eyes widened at the appearance of the town, which looked incredibly shabby and filthy compared to his place of birth. But most of all, he was taken aback by the overwhelming heat of the area. He snorted, finding the place highly unsuitable for a person such as himself to be in.

"Did time stand still in the Middle Ages here?"

The man, however, ignored his question. "Keep your strange witticisms to yourself, novice, and follow me."

The disdainful tone was enough to severely raise Ezio's hackles. "Listen, 'friend'" he spat, venom dripping off every word. "I have no idea who in God's name you are, but if you think you can order me around like that, then you…"

Then, all of a sudden, it finally hit the nobleman that the object of his rant was long gone. He looked up to see him running up some wall.

This caused the younger male to gnash his teeth in frustration, before bursting out in a fit of anger, stomping his foot and shaking his fist. "Eh, get back here! I am yelling at you!"

The man did not seem impressed. He simply gave him a smug smirk from his crouched position, a feature that only angered Ezio more.

"Come back here, you nine-fingered freak of nature!"

Unlike what the nobleman had hoped, the older man was not the least bit annoyed by the remark as he calmly countered, showing him a finger that Ezio wished had been the one he was missing. "I may miss a finger, but I can still do this!"

Within moments of receiving the indecent gesture, Ezio's jaw dropped to the ground and his eyes grew to the size of saucers, while emitting a sound that seemed strangely akin to someone swallowing a bug.

Still, it did not take long for the stunningly arrogant man to issue an equally inappropriate reply. "This means war, you bastard!"

With a fierce war cry that was spectacularly undermined by his still developing voice, Ezio charged for the wall, which only caused the other Assassin to smile and run off into the distance. Letting out some colorful epithets that would make a sailor turn red, the younger male raced after him, running across the rooftops and opening the chase.

Still, no matter how hard he ran or well he anticipated the moves of his prey, the older male magically managed to stay one step ahead of him, laughing and taunting him all the way. Still, this did not prevent the nobleman from being on his heels, continuing to hurl insults and every bit intend on ripping his newly declared nemesis a new one.

"Get over here, you disrespectful son of a bitch! I'll kill you! I'll smite you where you stand. I'll make you regret the day you dared to mouth off to Ezio Auditore!"

Then, while throwing every bit of blasphemous language he knew at him, he suddenly realized the man had stopped and was calmly waiting for him a few roofs ahead. Still bent on inhumanly euthanizing him and feeding his remains to the vultures, the young Florentine stormed in his direction to bash his skull in, only to find himself suddenly becoming dizzy because of the heat, tipping on a crack in the rooftop and find himself ingloriously getting acquainted with the surface right in front of his enemy's feet.

He groaned in anger, looking up at the Master Assassin in pure disdain. "Laugh while you can, you arrogant prick, I will…"

Altaïr simply returned an unmoved, somewhat amused glance as he took a small step back. "You will what, exactly?"

Ezio, already inclined to answer in the rudest of ways, suddenly heard a slight creaking underneath him. He swiftly looked down, only to realize he lay on the very unstable wood of a rooftop shutter and that the material probably couldn't put up with the abuse of his weight any longer…

This was only emphasized by the sound growing louder and once again, Ezio regarded his ancestor with a murderous glare. "I…hate…you!"

This was the last thing he could pronounce as the material gave way and he unceremoniously fell through the roof, to land on his rear a few feet below on a hard stone floor, causing him to let out a pained and emasculated squeak in response.

With a small whine, he got up again, still rubbing his awfully sore bum, only for his eyes to fall onto a lovely blond woman, who was apparently just undressing herself to take a bath within the sanctity of her house.

This image immediately caused Ezio's mouth to water and with a lecherous stare, he continued to watch the spectacle in front of him. That was, until the woman suddenly turned around and let out a startled, high-pitched shriek at seeing the intruder.

Ezio's first thought balanced between trying to calm her down or making an inappropriate comment, when he suddenly heard the menacing rattling of armor nearby. Then, without warning, a huge, heavily armed man appeared from another room, a red Templar cross on his chest and a large, broadsided in the direction of the nobleman. The nobleman instantly knew he was in trouble.

"You have got to be kidding me…"

Ezio's intelligence often did not reflect in his actions, but right now, it was all too clear what had to be done to avoid an untimely death or permanent castration…and that was running his scrawny Italian rear out of this place!

Figuring that this was his best plan since seducing the sister of Viery Di Pazzi to settle a score, he whipped around and started sprinting out of the house, the furious Templar husband hot on his heels.

Drawing on his years of experience in escaping angry fathers of pretty women, Ezio continued to pump his legs, meanwhile avoiding another swing that nearly took his head.

Still, highly determined to live long enough to make love to many more beautiful women, he continued to run, leading his  on a wild goose chase through the city's houses, churches, merchant stands, souks, pigsties, stables, chicken coops and even the local bathhouse, the latter making Ezio believe that the sight of the naked old men bathing there would scar him for life.

Still, despite being dripping wet, smelly and covered in a mix of spoiled food, chicken features and horse manure same as his target, the Templar didn't give up. Finally, after a hunt that took several hours and left half of Acre in utter chaos and destruction, Ezio found himself driven in a corner with no way out and a sword on his throat.

The nobleman felt his heartbeat taking on the speed of a drummer at the carnival as he heroically fought against the instinct to either quiver or soil himself. He knew he was a dead man…and it probably wouldn't be a quick death either.

"Oh God, this can't be! I'm too young to die. I've never even seen Napels! I have to get out of here, but how?"

Then, out of nowhere, his intention was drawn to a heavy object he apparently held in his hand. Finding the fact rather curious despite his obviously dangerous situation, he looked down to find a huge, ripe melon in it.

He frowned. He had probably accidentally taken the thing with him while jumping through a merchant stand. And unless the Templar had a craving for fruit, he doubted it would help him in any way in his current predicament. Although, realizing he didn't have another option, he decided that in battle, one should fight with whatever weapons they had at their disposal.

So, as the Templar drew his sword back to deliver the final blow, Ezio readied himself, grabbing the melon with both hands, before lunging forward with a fierce battle cry and bashing the heavy piece of fruit over the unfortunate man's head. It shattered upon impact, causing its pulp to fly all over the place, and, much to the nobleman's joy, taking the poor soul down with it.

Watching over his fallen enemy with an extreme sense of satisfaction, he snickered. "I must remember this trick for back home…"

He reached down, grabbing one of the remaining shards of his former weapon, licking it to have a taste of the spoils of war. His face immediately soured. "No wonder it knocked him senseless…"

He did not get long to reflect on this most important fact, however, as a white shadow running soared right over him on the rooftops, well on its way to the city's cathedral nearby. Immediately indentifying it as his now much-loathed ancestor, Ezio once again pursued him, meanwhile making plans to hang, behead, torture or at least give the older Assassin a piece of his very disgruntled mind.

Therefore, seething and cursing, he clambered up the cathedral wall, ignoring the citizens below praying for God to restore his sanity, meanwhile cursing Altaïr with every inch he got higher.

"Damn Arab…uf…thinks he's so…great…thinks he's the…damn…greatest Master Assassin that ever lived… Ha, what a…joke! The man…runs around…ow….in a sleeping robe with a hood, doesn't…even use poison… Hell, that idiot doesn't even have a gun!  Just…ah…wait till I get my hands on that…bastard…"

After several more minutes of climbing, cursing, praying for Altaïr's demise and plain childish whining, a very sweaty and peeved Ezio finally reached the top of the cathedral, panting and moaning in agony like he had just received news that he was about to be married.

"Damn…this…demented place… Need water…"

Intently studying the patterns of the stone as he fell flat on his face on the church's roof, his already irked statue of mind swiftly turned to murderous as he heard the much hated Arabic voice throw a snidely casual remark at him to add insult to injury.

"Well, you took your time…"

Almost instantly, Ezio's nails dug into the stone and if his eyes were able to shot fire, Altaïr would have been burned to a crisp. His fury giving him new strength, the nobleman jumped up and grabbed his ancestor, shaking him like a ragdoll while deciding if he should strangle him, slap him senseless, string him up on the cathedral's cross by his breechcloth or all three at the same time.

"That's it! I've had it! This is the last straw! This has positively been one of the worst days of my life and I don't know how you tie into this, but it's all your fault! You're the most worst, most idiotic and arrogant Assassin that ever walked this damn earth! And you're supposed to be dead for centuries too!"

Much to his surprise, however, Altaïr barely attempted to fight back. With a self-confident smirk, he simply pried off Ezio's hands and shrugged his shoulders.

"Everything is possible when you believe. Now how about if we finally start the training, novice?"

Ezio threw him a glare that would have made Satan himself proud. "Don't call me that, 'grandfather'. So why on earth are we here?"

The Master Assassin looked at him as if we was crazy. "What do you think? To enjoy the view? To leap off the church, of course!"

The moment this announcement was made, the nobleman's look transformed into the one he usually wore when seeing Leonardo dissect a corpse. He quickly peeked over the edge of the huge building, looking at a seemingly endless distance between him and the ground with, if he squinted, a small yellow dot that should apparently pass for a haystack. He gulped visibly and let out a small whimper.

"Have you lost your mind?" he shrieked, his voice spontaneously jumping a few octaves. "I'm not going to jump off!"

Altaïr seemed rather unmoved by his heartfelt theatrics. "You will."

In response, the younger man crossed his arms. "No, I will not."

"I do not have patience for spoiled brats, novice. Do it."

"No! No, no, no! I am as stupid as you! I'm not going to fling myself off a building with the chance of dying for no other reason than that knowing what suicide feels like! You can forget it: you cannot make me!"

By now, Altaïr patience seemed to wear thin rapidly. He squared his shoulder and drew up till his full height. Even though Ezio was the same height at him, he could not help but take a few steps back, muffling the tiny 'meep' sound that came out of his mouth to save whatever masculinity he still had left.

"I will not ask you again, novice. Leap off the building…now!"

The Italian man did not know how he managed, but much to his relief, he still found courage to reply and put his foot down. He turned away from the other Assassin, scoffing disdainfully.

"Well, forget it! I am not throwing myself to my death, you hear, you arrogant imbecile! There is no way in hell I will. You will have to push me if you ever intend me to get off this ledge!"

"Good idea…"

Before Ezio even got the time to squeal at the response, he felt a large hand shoving him in the back. He flailed his arms for a moment, looking like a very peculiar sitting duck attempting to fly, before finally teetering over the edge with a scream unusually similar to that of a schoolgirl as he approached the ground with the elegance of a brick.

"Curse you, Altaïr!"

This was the very last thing the nobleman was capable of saying as his fall came to a halt thanks to the large haystack, cushioning his blow like intended, leaving him very dizzy, angry and unable to yell any more obscenities due to a considerable mouthful of hay…

"Ezio? Ezio!"

Ezio groaned and opened his eyes, the constant gentle smacking against the back of his head pulling him from his drowsiness. He blinked a few times in order to correct his blurry vision. Once the mist in his eyes had finally cleared somewhat, he looked straight into the face of Leonardo, who stared at him with a hint of concern and amusement.

The nobleman groaned. "Leonardo…what happened?"

The inventor shook his head. "I don't know precisely. I think you just fell asleep while reading."

Letting out another annoyed moan, the younger man rubbed his head, before looking down at the reading material he had fallen asleep over. Upon closer inspection, he saw it was the family codex. The pages open to him held the name of the ancestor who had begun the long line of Assassins that he was currently continuing: Altaïr Ibn La'ahad…

Upon realizing this, his mood worsened again, but he decided not to let it show. "Yes, Leonardo, I think I just fell asleep. Training was harsh today…"

His friend simply nodded, a smile on his face, before he continued speaking. "You know, at times, I wonder what it would be like to walk amongst the people mentioned in those old scrolls. To see what they were like, how they behaved and interacted with their world. I mean, it must be quite something to see what a person like Altaïr would be like if you could meet him…"

These words, however harmless and innocent they were meant, immediately caused Ezio's foul mood to rear its ugly head. Sending his best friend a look that shot fire, he answered with a low snarl.

"I'll tell you what he was like! He was an arse!"

Having made this declaration, he then angrily stomped out of the workplace to find a proper bed to sleep on, leaving behind a befuddled Leonardo, who then just shrugged his shoulders and continued his paintings.

"I don't think I want to know…"